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Every day is a day to be thankful. Life’s abundance has no limit, and gratitude is what keeps that abundance flowing. In every circumstance, there is something for which to be thankful. Even when there seems to be nothing else, there is hope.
~Ralph Marston
I cannot believe it is already November… that my favorite holiday is about one month away (Santa or no, there’s nothing quite like Christmas!)! Tomorrow, we’ll eat pumpkin pie, put up our Christmas decorations, and our business kicks into serious gear. (Wow, that was a completely unintentional pun! Seriously. Ha!). For today though, I’m thankful for the so very many recent blessings in my life:
Watching my children roll joyfully down a leaf-strewn hill.
Basking in the gloriously temperate Fall weather we've been having which has allowed the flora to last much longer than usual!
Running – and finishing – a 6.2 mile race (my first ever!).
Standing in awe of the stunning beauty of nature.
Celebrating another Halloween with my favorite jester husband (our 18th one together!).
Baking delicious Fall food (mmmmm… apple crisp!).
Watching this daisy outlast everything else in my garden!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. May the blessings in YOUR life be abundant!
Sunday Spark: You Have a Choice
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Every moment you have a choice. A choice to feel happy or feel down. A choice to observe or react. To regret or move on. Feel resentful or make a change.
When you’re presented with a challenge, you have a choice of how to face that challenge (or even to walk away – that too is a choice).
At the end of the day, when your reserves are spent, when your children are bouncing off the walls, when bedtime is not quite here, your house is a mess, your to-do list is undone, and you may be wishing you were anywhere else but where you are, you have a choice – to greet your children’s boundless energy with joy, and let it fill you – pushing out the frustration… or to let the frustration consume you, and spill over on to your children.
How you react – or not react – is always up to you.
To show love and tolerance and patience – to choose (and in choosing, teach) happiness and peace is never the wrong course of action.
Nature, Technology, and Being Human
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Teaching children about the natural world should be seen as one of the most important events in their lives.
~Thomas Berry (The Dream of the Earth)
In late August, early September, we went to Maine for a week. I didn’t really blog much about it at the time; but, more on that later. While on that trip, at the base of Mount Washington, actually, I came across a book called, Last Child in the Woods. Though I didn’t end up buying it, I did thumb through it a bit, and added it to my “to read” list. It caught my attention because it draws on a point I make to myself, and worry over, frequently as a parent; particularly as a parent raising children in a condo in the most densely populated state of the United States. That point is: Are our children, and are WE, as humans, getting so far removed from nature, and so dependent on technology, that we’re… damaging ourselves?
(my kids, digging by the lake in Maine)
I don’t mean just physical damage like carpel tunnel syndrome or losing muscle tone or gaining weight from so many hours in front of the computer (though those are important, too). I mean more that we’ve evolved WITH nature – for thousands, millions of years – and it’s only been in the last couple of centuries – particularly the last couple of decades where we’ve left our codependency with nature in favor of codependency with technology. Televisions, video games, computers, cars, smartphones... Our food is techno-fied, our travel is techno-fied, even our books are techno-fied. I feel like in our day-to-day lives, we’re really losing touch with our earth; we’re emotionally disconnected from nature; that must have an effect on how we ARE.
I’m not anti-technology. Far from it, being that I’m here writing this on my laptop, to be published on my blog, which I’ll read on my iPhone, which is up on the internet; which is also the home of our retail websites (which are our livelihood as a family). And, once finished writing this, I will very likely hop on my treadmill, to be followed by viewing a movie on Netflix. Heck, I’m far from being anti-technology; I love technology.
But I also love the earth. I vividly remember playing in the grass and the sand and the trees and the dirt as a kid. Hours spent in the garden, and just being outside in the summertime, the Spring, the Fall, and even the Winter. As a young kid, we were outside all. the. time. (Until, of course, my parents caved, and finally bought a Nintendo. I spent a lot more time indoors after, say, 1986 or so. Still, I rode my bike to school.)
It’s different for my children. Of course, I want to believe they too love the earth. In the Spring, Summer, and Fall, we go hiking as much as we can, and we tend towards nature-loving vacations, when we take them. We container garden in the Summer, and visit the Farmer’s Market on the weekends. But, in spite of that, the reality for my children is that there has never been Life Without Cellphones. They know how to turn on their computer, open a browser and surf the internet. They know how many “friends” I have on Facebook. (And how many their dad and grandmother have, too). We’ve never had a newspaper delivered. I’m not sure they’ve ever seen a payphone in person, nor had to wait for film to be developed. Email, online, download, Twitter, blog – all of these words are seamlessly part of their lexicon.
I think it’s easy as adults who have grown up with a mix of nature & technology, to feel okay about our own children having simple access to technology. Afterall, we grew up on Sesame Street and Walkmen, and Ataris, and we’re okay, right? At times, I find it effortless – and fascinating – as adults, who are ourselves immersed in technology, to watch our children so easily adapt to computers, internet, iPhones. But I am afraid in that ease, we forget that as kids ourselves, we really were outside. A LOT. And when we were outside, we were out there without cellphones. That outside time, that meshing with and growing up in nature, was important. Feeling grass on our feet, dirt under our nails, sun on our shoulders (without even sunscreen, OMG), tree bark against our legs as we climbed… that was necessary. All that time outside wasn’t useless, wasn’t just getting us out from under our mothers’ feet, it was teaching us about this earth from where we came, and where we’ll return. The smells of the earth, the rain, the plants, helped to develop our senses. The sun helped set our internal clock (not to mention made sure our vitamin D levels were on the right track – without supplements, OMG). Getting lost, then finding our way home, without GPS, helped us learn to rely on ourselves, to pay attention to our surroundings in order to orient ourselves. “Going out to play” helped us meet people, learn how to make friends, play games, share, make up rules, win, lose. I knew where food came from because we had a garden, and we got any produce we didn’t grow from the local farm; the grocery store was a much less-frequented destination. It’s just different for our kids.
(my kids, exploring the trees in the woods in New Jersey)
Anyhow, back to Maine, for a moment, and then, I’ll close up my thoughts. We drove up to Maine in the wake of Hurricane Irene. It was the clearest I’ve ever seen 95 – there was hardly a soul on the road – it was the fastest we’ve made it through New York City, ever. Upon arriving at our cabin, we realized that Irene had taken out the electricity on our road. We spent the next five days of our vacation without electricity or running water. Which also meant: No lights. And… no computers. Also, no alarm clocks (though I woke with the sunrise every morning). No microwaves. No movies. We bathed in the lake water and cooked over a fire. We read books and played board games in the evening by candlelight. We sang and roasted marshmallows around the campfire before bed. And during the day, we went swimming, canoeing, hiking, exploring, and just playing outside. All day. Until the sun went down. While I can’t say I wasn’t grateful when the electricity finally came back on the day before we were set to leave, it was mostly because I got to actually flush the toilet and wash my face with hot water, NOT because I could turn on my computer and update my blog (okay, though I did do that). Adam and I, and the kids, say this was our best vacation yet. I can’t help but believe it’s because we all FELT SOMETHING we’d been missing – that full-on connection with nature, that we don’t really ever get anymore in our technology-dependent lives, at least not in such large doses as we experienced that week.
Richard Louv, the author of Last Child in the Woods, says, “biologically we are still hunters and gatherers and we need, at some level we don't fully understand, direct involvement in nature. We need to see natural shapes in the horizon. And when we don't get that, we don't do so well.”
I want my children to have that direct involvement in nature. I want to get back to that myself. I think it’s imperative.
In the neighborhood where we are, and in this climate of high-technology, it’s just. so. tempting. (and easy) to occupy ourselves virtually. But the more I read about so-called nature deficit disorder (I just recently read a great article about it this past week in Newsweek), the more time I spend away from nature, the more I realize we NEED to get back to the natural world. We ALL need to take more hikes. We ALL need to plant more gardens. We ALL need to take the more challenging route, and close our laptops for a while, put our cellphones down, and get out in the woods. It isn’t just to avoid turning into Wall-E-type humans living just for the next techo-fied meal and virtual shopping experience, it’s to continue to BE human. We’re a part of nature, we always have been, and need to keep that bond alive, in order to survive, and thrive.
Do you find yourself connected with nature? How do you – and your children – stay in touch with the natural world?
Spanking Your Children is Not Okay
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Society reaps what it sows in the way it nurtures children... ~Dr. Martin Teicher
You may have heard of the Texas judge who’s been in the news recently, because his (now adult) daughter, posted a video she’d taken of him beating her (and her mother participating and egging him on) as a 16-year-old. If you haven’t seen the video, here is a link to an article that Annie (at PhdinParenting.com/Care2.com) wrote about it. **TRIGGER WARNING** For those of you who have experienced childhood trauma/abuse, please be warned that the video is graphic, and very difficult to watch. As of the latest news, this man is not being charged with any crime.
To be frank, I don’t think spanking or physical discipline of any kind is a tool that any parent needs in their toolbox. There are far too many negatives, and no benefits to keeping such an antiquated method of discipline around, even as a “last resort”. There are far more creative and effective and less hurtful methods of guiding and teaching children available. I’ve written about things you can do instead of spanking. but I’ve sat on my hands when it comes to really speaking out loudly against spanking because… I want to believe that at the heart of most parents who say things like (as overheard on Twitter, Facebook, message boards, and real life): “I spank because… it’s necessary” or “…children need discipline” or “…their father isn’t around, so I need to keep them under control” or “…sometimes you have to get their attention” or “…I’d never hit an older child, but younger kids don’t have the ability to understand anything other than a quick spank” or “…the bible/God says…” or “…(I have to let them know) I’m the boss” or “…culturally, it’s a requirement” or “…I only spank when I’m not angry” or “…I spank out of love” or “…I only do it in an emergency”... is a parent with love for their children, and a desire to parent well. I've avoided using inflammatory language: hitting, smacking, beating, abuse, in favor of the less hackles-raising “spanking” because I recognize that understanding differences is the key to changing minds, and if someone just closes their ears to you, they're not learning, and you're not teaching.
But, when I see news like this, when I see a father on video, BEATING HIS CHILD, who is not getting punished for his actions; when I realize he’s only one of thousands (millions?) of parents who still hit their children and think it’s okay, I can’t stay silent. I can’t believe that this type of behavior still happens. I can’t believe there are parenting books still on the market advocating physical punishment as an acceptable form of discipline. I can’t believe there are still so many parents ready to defend the act of hitting a child. I can’t believe spanking is still legal. I can't believe this man isn't going to be brought to justice for what he did to his daughter.
Plainly speaking: It is NOT OKAY to hit, spank, beat, whip, smack your child. Ever.
Spanking is not alright. It’s not acceptable discipline. It’s not appropriate. It’s not necessary. It isn’t legal when it’s done to adults; it isn’t legal when it’s done to animals. It shouldn’t be legal to hit children – even in the name of discipline.
I understand we all make mistakes, we all get pushed to our limits, we may not always live up to exactly the ideal image of mother/parent that we have in our minds-eye. But, to use spanking as a deliberate and regular form of discipline is reprehensible. When you spank a child, as an adult, you are either a) out of control or b) misguided and undereducated about the negative repercussions that come from using violence as discipline.
There is AMPLE evidence that violence begets violence. Children who are spanked are more likely to express themselves through violence – that means hitting you, hitting their siblings, hitting their classmates; and are more likely to grow up to be abusers themselves.
I KNOW you don’t want this for your children. There are OTHER WAYS to guide your children, rather than resorting to violence. Really. REALLY.
You know it doesn’t feel good when you hit your child (if it does, you’re likely not reading this, or, if you are, and it does feel good when you hit your child, please stop reading, and PLEASE GET HELP NOW – talk to someone, a counselor, a friend, a clergy person, someone; your child will thank you for the rest of their lives). Maybe it hurts you. Maybe it makes you feel sick. Maybe you feel guilty or ashamed. Maybe you want to change, but you don’t know how. Maybe you feel like you won’t be an effective parent without spanking. I know it's difficult, particularly if your parents spanked you, and "you turned out okay".
The bottom line is that you don’t need to feel that way anymore because you DON’T NEED TO USE SPANKING AS DISCIPLINE anymore. You have a choice. You can change. Your children NEED you to change. You have the power to show your children that no matter what they’ve done, you still love them. No matter how angry you are, you can control yourself. You want your children to behave, but they can’t if they don’t feel good, if they don’t feel loved. When you spank your child, they don’t understand the distinction you’ve created in your mind that spanking is necessary and loving discipline, they only feel pain, fear, shame, and anger. They don’t deserve to feel that way, no matter what the misdeed. All children deserve gentle guidance in a home filled with peacefulness and love. Show your children with your own words and actions how you’d like them to live, and they will follow you. If you show them how to hurt, they will hurt.
Children who feel right, act right. Children who don’t, won’t. They can’t. If violence is what they’ve been shown and taught, then violence is how they will express themselves. Hurt and anger and pain is what they will associate with you and they may spend their lives trying to get away from it – and you. Maybe this manifests itself in “good/obedient behavior” as children, but as teens and adults, it will likely evidence as acting out, experimentation with dangerous behavior, distance, and separation. Don’t do that to your children.
So, what can you do?
1) If you can’t think of anything to do (other than spank), do nothing. It’s okay to walk away until you’re calm. Really. The message you wanted to convey by spanking, that lesson you wanted to teach? It will still be teachable after the heat-of-the-moment has passed. I suggest that a child who feels calm will be more receptive to talking about a misdeed than one who is afraid of being hit, or who has just been hit. Think about this in terms of your own life. Are you more likely to be receptive to…. a) your boss storming into your office yelling about a mistake you made, or, b) your boss telling you about a mistake you made & asking if you’d come to his office later to talk about what you can do differently next time…?
We both know it’s B. Children are no different; humans are humans, and respectful, peaceful discourse is always the better route to go. Give yourself a time out, cool off, regroup.
2) Use your words. With emphasis, but without hurt. We always ask our children to use their words instead of resorting to tantruming, screaming, yelling, kicking, biting, throwing. Yet, when you spank your child, you’re not using your words, your having a tantrum yourself – only you’re taking it out on your child. Instead of spanking, tell your child that you are angry, sad, disappointed, whatever. Say what you need to say clearly, loudly… but do it without hitting them (keeping in mind that hitting can be done with words, not just hands, so tread carefully here). Say to your child what YOU are feeling. And, like #1, if you can’t think of anything to do (or, in this case, say, other than spanking – with words or with hands), then walk away until you’re calm.
3) Take and give a time out. Tell your child that you’re going to take a time out, and ask them to do the same. This doesn’t mean forcefully lock them in their room, or restrict them to a naughty spot or time out chair. A time out is just what it sounds like: a time to step away from overwhelming emotions, to take a moment OUTside of the anger that you’re feeling. It isn’t punitive, it’s learning (and teaching!) how to separate yourself and your responses from your children’s actions. You don’t have to respond in a super-emotionally-charged way to your children’s misbehaviors – and it’s better for them if you don’t. If you take a time out to get composed and think about a measured response, you’re teaching a lesson much greater than the lesson you’d have taught by spanking.
4) Forgive. Forgive not only your child’s misbehavior – they’re just learning about this world, remember? But forgive YOURSELF for whatever you’ve done in the past. Try to forgive whatever may have been done to YOU in the past, and realize that you have the power to change, to break the cycle, starting now. I learn every day about forgiveness from my children – they are so open, so willing to accept that people make mistakes. Hug them, forgive them, forgive yourself and realize every moment is a new moment for starting anew and trying again.
Spanking is never necessary. You are the adult, you can make a choice – starting now, regardless of whatever has gone on in the past – to stop spanking, and start guiding your child with more gentleness and empathy. Your children, and your children's children are depending on you.
If you want to learn more about the effects of spanking, and things you can do to discipline your children WITHOUT spanking, here are some great starting points:
Ten Reasons Not To Hit Your Child: http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/spanking/10-reasons-not-hit-your-child
Plain Talk About Spanking: http://nospank.net/pt2011.htm
Gentle Discipline That Works: http://www.beliefnet.com/Health/2007/03/Gentle-Discipline-That-Works.aspx
Ten Reasons Not To Hit Your Kids: http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/tenreasons.html