Peace Like the Wings of a Butterfly
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The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place my touch will be felt.
~Frederick Buechner
My 6 year old daughter: Mom? Since everyone in the world has a mom or a dad or a sister or brother or a friend… and their friends have moms and dads and friends… then isn’t it like everyone in the world is one whole giant family?
Me: Yes, it is like that. And because it’s like that, that’s what makes me so upset when people in the world are so angry with each other, and fight with one another, and try to hurt each other. Since we are all of us part of one big family on the earth, we should all try to include each other and be kind to one another, not always fight.
My daughter nodded. She understood, completely.
For my daughter, what I said wasn’t a stretch. My words weren't Pollyannaish (even though as I said it, I worried, am I being too "out there"? Too positive?); it was, for her… just natural. Just as it naturally occurred to her that everyone is linked, it also naturally made sense that being linked would mean being kind and empathetic and inclusive.
We are all – all of us – one big human family (and as a vegetarian with non-theistic Buddhist tendencies, I’ll add that we are also part of the greater living earthly family – animals, plants, people – all organisms, intertwined). We are like the giant redwoods in Northern California: without their giant canopies, entire species of plants and animals that live hundreds of feet up in the air in their elevated ecosystems, or down on the ground in the fertile shade, might not exist at all; and without those animals and insects, the redwoods’ seeds might not be dried and dispersed as necessary to continue their propagation. Without our entire earthly family, where would all of us be (insert appropriate Twelve Monkeys, Matrix, or Wall-E scene, here. Yikes.)?
As easily as my daughter can see the world as one big family, I am moved to try to do the same. If we are all interconnected, then the things I do and say to my children affect the things they do and say to other children; which in turn can affect the way those children treat others; so I will pay greater attention to my words and actions. I’ve always believed the love and empathy I show my children will reverberate through generations (it’s one big reason I believe so strongly in attachment parenting); so why show anything but? Her simple and certain acknowledgment that all people are one is so inspiring!
So, in an effort to celebrate our connectedness, I want to thank you, my blogging family, for reading. I’m sending you all joy and peace for the days ahead, and hoping you’ll pass it on (Remember that all of our seemingly tiny words and actions can be like the proverbial butterfly’s wings. Who knows what a small kind gesture might do for the future?)!
Peace.
The Car Seat Screamer Blues
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Neither of my babies liked driving in the car. Maybe a better (read: more accurate) way to state that would be: Both of my babies hated driving in the car. We were lucky to get about ten minutes of contentedness before the full-bore screaming began. When we had only one baby, we were living up in rural Maine. The closest mall was a 45 minute drive. O_o
Let’s just say we didn’t go out much in those days.
If you have a baby who hates the car… well… you know how a 10 minute car ride with a screaming baby can feel like an hour. It's the car seat screamer blues. As a parent you feel helpless to do anything because you can’t move baby from her seat – which is, essentially, all she’s trying to say to you (GET. ME. OUT. NOW!) over and over increasingly louder and more urgently. Throughout a normal day of caring for baby, you are so connected with her, then suddenly she’s placed in a situation where she’s out of your reach, and you’re out of her sight. You understand she’s communicating discomfort, and in all other instances, you’d go right to her and help her figure out how to feel better. But when she’s in a car, screaming, and you have to be somewhere, and there’s no good place to pull over, or you just pulled over ten minutes ago, and she’s screaming again, you just can’t safely help her while you’re driving. I remember it felt at times like I was leaving my baby to “cry it out”. I felt so tortured in those early months with my carseat screamers. I hated every second of so many car rides because I felt like I was DOING IT WRONG.
I have realized over the years, that I really wasn’t doing it wrong. A crying baby in a carseat is not the same as deliberately ignoring your baby’s signals in an effort to be more “hands off” in your responsiveness as a parent or training her to self soothe. It’s simply a matter of living the kids of busy high-tech lives we are in. You have to get places in your car, and the safest way to do that is with baby strapped into a car seat in reverse. Sometimes you have to drive. And baby has to scream. It's her job to let you know she's unhappy with the situation. But when you're driving, it's your job to do so as safely as possible. You are doing the best you can do at the time.
Now, while that reassurance may or may not help you feel better, I know that what did help me was feeling like I was doing something to help communicate with my screaming baby while still safely driving. Here are some of the ideas that worked for us (and baby.)…
Tips for Soothing A Fussy Baby in the Car
(and I’m using the word fussy lightly. Feel free to change that title to read: How to Help Soothe a Screaming-Like-Mad-There-HAS-To-Be-Something-Sharp-Currently-Stabbing-My-Baby- In-The-Car-Seat-For-That-Level-Of-Screaming-To-Come-From-Such-A-Tiny-Being Baby in the Car):
Check the Basics. I often found myself in a situation where I had to put baby in the car seat and get out the door quickly. Sometimes I’d realize after we got on the road, and baby started ramping up the volume, that I’d forgotten to check the basics: diaper, belly, clothing. Is baby’s diaper clean & dry? Is baby’s belly recently full of milk and empty of gas? Is baby’s clothing both weather-appropriate, and not too tight once strapped in the carseat? In the middle of winter in Maine, it was a challenge to go from a warm house to negative outdoor temps, to a cold car which becomes warm, to freezing outside, to warm again. Once I got in the habit of warming up the car ahead of time and removing baby’s outer layers after getting in the car, but before getting in the car seat, things improved a bit.
Talk. Talk to your baby. I often felt like my babies were screaming in the carseat because they felt disconnected. They were used to being worn in a sling or carried around or nursed, and being put down, anchored to a non-human seat, and unable to see me, was an unnatural and unfamiliar situation. Crying was just their way of letting me know: HEY, this isn’t what I’m USED TO and I DON’T LIKE IT. So, in order to help my baby know I heard what he was saying, I’d simply talk to him & let him know. Even if you think he can’t understand what you’re saying, or maybe doesn’t even hear you through the screaming, just talk. By keeping an even, calm, soothing, and understanding tone of voice, at the very least, you will help yourself feel better and connected to your baby. At the best, baby will hear your voice, and feel comforted, even when he can’t see or reach you.
Music. Music was the most consistently successful soothing mechanism we discovered. Music soothes the savage beast, right? It was NOT, however, the type of music you’d expect, which best soothed my children: not lullabies or soft crooning. No way. My kids liked a beat. They liked to rock out. They liked repetition. And they liked it LOUD. I encourage you to keep experimenting with different types of music until you hit on something that works. Try making mixes on your computer of different genres – you never know what will attract baby’s attention the best. But when you find that one song that works? Make an extra copy of that CD because you will wear out that one track, trust me.
Air. I’m not sure if it was that my kids were HOT or if they liked the feel of the wind on their faces/bodies, or if it was the change of pressure, or just the sound of white noise, but changing up the air in the car was a relatively sure bet, at least temporarily, to change the mood in the car. It wasn’t always good for the long haul, but rolling down the windows or turning the fan on high, often paused the screaming long enough to intervene with another type of distraction (like a pacifier or silly faces from the backseat).
Back Seat Company. Having a person in the backseat stationed next to the baby was often helpful – while baby was in a wakeful, alert state, even if the wakeful alertness was also accompanied by fussiness. It should be noted that it the helpfulness of a person in the backseat was magnified if that person was NOT me. As we found when it WAS me, all baby wanted was OUT, in my arms, and nursing, not to be strapped into a car seat with me nearby, but not holding. The person next to the baby can make faces, sing, pick up dropped toys and pacifiers, even offer a bottle (note: my babies did not accept a bottle on a trip, and in retrospect I am glad, as any eating by babies in a carseat, where I can’t be immediately responsive, makes me nervous – in the event of choking or vomiting. Follow your instinct here.).
Pacifier. Although neither of my children would happily or reliably take a pacifier in the car, I still kept a variety of shapes & sizes on hand in the car, in the event that something would change, and suddenly a soothie would be soothing. At the very least, it’s something “new” for baby to manipulate for a few minutes.
Black & White. We all know babies interest’s are held by black & white. But it’s hard to find soft car-safe toys in those colors. We solved that problem by strapping a vinyl card holder to the back seat (like the kind you’d use to keep collectable cards organized in a binder). We’d swap out pictures periodically – like at every car ride – to hopefully keep baby interested. I will say that while it seemed to work wonders for short periods of time, once baby’s hand and/or feet could reach the back of the seat, it lost its functionality because the paper pictures weren’t baby-proof. The best choices we found were black and white graphic patterns (like a bullseye), and pictures of faces. Which brings me to number 7:
Mom’s Face. Tape an enlarged black & white picture of Mom on to the back seat where baby can see. While I never personally tried this, I understand the appeal! Mom is unavailable in the car while driving, and being the embodiment of comfort to baby, it would seem to make sense that a photo of Mom for baby to look at when he can’t see ACTUAL Mom might help baby stay calm. I do wonder, however, if it might have the opposite effect – continually reminding baby that Mom is nearby but out of reach. It may be worth a try.
New Toys. Once baby can hold & manipulate toys, I did find that things got a bit better in the screaming department. I could quickly pass back a new toy and have a few minutes of non-screaming drive time. Unfortunately, toys can get thrown, and the most interesting toys are often too big/bulky for an infant to manipulate safely in the car seat. Keep in mind any toy you choose should be soft and light. In the event of an accident you don’t want anything heavy or hard or with sharp edges flying through the car.
Take Breaks. On long trips, it helped to understand right off the bat that we’ll have to stop a lot more often than when we didn’t have a fussy baby with us. When we acknowledged the increased travel time ahead of the trip, it made the trip more enjoyable and relaxed. It’s okay to stop (safely, well off the road) regularly and check diaper, fix a pacifier, nurse for a few minutes. Be patient, and be prepared to make your trip longer than usual. It may not help baby to stop for frequent cuddles and quick nursing sessions, but on long trips, I know it helped ME feel better about subjecting my babies to long car rides! Plus, if you’re not the only one in the car, the other passengers will appreciate the break from the screaming!
If all else fails, remember my numero uno parenting mantra: THIS TOO SHALL PASS. (It may suck royally in the meantime, but eventually, this stage will pass, I promise. For us, it was right around 18 months with each of my children.)
Peaceful travels.
Why Should You Breastfeed Your Baby?
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If you are pregnant, you may be considering breastfeeding your baby once she arrives. Breastfeeding is natural, normal, and healthy – for your baby and for you! You may not know yet if it’s the choice you want to make, but, please consider these reasons why breastfeeding – even if you aren’t sure it’s the right choice for you – is likely the right choice for your baby:
Breastmilk helps fight infection!
When you breastfeed, your antibodies are passed from your body to your baby. What this means is that your baby will get sick less often [50% reduced risk of ear infections, 64% reduced risk of GI infections, 72% reduced risk of hospitalization from pneumonia | Source: http://www.breastfeedingtaskforla.org/resources/ABMRisks.htm] and when she does get sick, it will likely be less severe, and the duration will be shorter. The antibacterial properties of breastmilk don’t stop IN your baby. You can use breastmilk topically too – to clear & moisturize tiny noses, treat pink eye, and soothe rashes, small scrapes, and other infections.
[Source: WomensHealth.org]
Breastfeeding your baby reduces the risk of SIDS!
SIDS risk is diminished by about 50% in breastfed babies according to a study done in Germany. But WHY does breastfeeding help keep your little one safer? There are several reasons! [Eight of which are discussed in detail on Dr. Sears’ website]. The infection-reducing properties of human milk keep baby healthier while sleeping – reducing the risk of RSV which can lead to SIDS. Breastmilk contains vital nutrients and fats to help baby’s brain and nervous system develop more completely. Breast milk is natural – so if aspirated, is less likely than formula to cause irritation or lead to apnea. Breastmilk reduces the severity of GER in infants. Breastfeeding calms and organizes baby so she does not fall into unnaturally deep and potentially dangerous sleep. Breastfeeding helps mom connect more deeply with her baby – and become more sensitive to baby, even while asleep (I have felt this distinctly myself). Finally, breastfeeding is more of a challenge for baby than bottle feeding, so baby develops better sucking, breathing, and swallowing coordination and facial muscle tone – all of which help baby breathe better while sleeping.
Breastfeeding is natural and normal; formula is not!
Human milk is perfect for human babies! What comes from your body is designed specifically for your baby. If you can’t breastfeed, another human’s breastmilk is still far closer to what your baby needs than formula made from another species' breastmilk or from a plant. Breastmilk is living: it changes with your baby, according to her needs, and is always just the right temperature. Formula is made in a factory, and is mixed with water and served in a bottle. As such, it can be subject to contamination. The ingredients (water and bottle included) can be tainted with pesticides, fertilizers, hormones, antibiotics, cleaning chemicals, dangerous bacteria like salmonella, foreign material, high levels of metals like aluminum (particularly in soy-based formulas), and the list of potentially toxic or dangerous possibilities goes on. While breastmilk isn’t always contaminant-free, you can control most of what is in your breastmilk through your diet. And, even if what you eat or drink isn’t perfect, breastfeeding is still the healthiest choice for your baby. If you’re concerned that what you eat might not be compatible with breastfeeding, check this page out first – you might be surprised! There is very little that a mother can't ingest that would negatively affect baby.
“…research tells us that the quality of a mother’s diet has little influence on her milk. Nature is very forgiving – mother’s milk is designed to provide for and protect baby even in times of hardship and famine. A poor diet is more likely to affect the mother than her breastfed baby…” [Source: How does a mother’s diet affect her milk?]
The truth is, our bodies do an excellent job of filtering out what isn’t good for baby, and giving baby exactly what she needs, even if we don’t do the best job of eating ourselves. Trust your body to do right by your baby!
[Source: WomensHealth.gov]
Breastfeeding is free!
This may seem like a simple concept, and as such, it is often overlooked – particularly if you’ve been given tons of free samples in the hospital (and from friends, or in the mail). But the fact is, when the free samples run out, you have to buy formula – and it is expensive; particularly if your baby needs a special formulation due to formula intolerance, or you choose premixed liquid, instead of powder. And as baby gets older, he’ll need MORE formula, as it is always the same and doesn’t change in composition like breastmilk. Going rates are anywhere from $100 - $300/mo. or more just in formula costs – and that doesn’t include bottles, bottle brush, drying rack, etc! Now, if you add in to the equation that breastfed babies are typically sick less often (thus reducing doctor and presccription bills), breastfeeding really is the most economical choice. For an interesting comparison of the cost of formula with the typical costs of breastfeeding, check out this calculator.
With all these benefits in mind, why not give breastfeeding a try? Even if you only nurse your baby for a few days you will have given your baby the natural gift of your milk. I really believe the choice to breastfeed your baby is a choice you won’t regret. I know I never have; it's one of my most amazing parenting experiences so far!
Weaning and the Changing Role of Mothering
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My baby has weaned. He’s three an a half years old. A big boy, yes. But my baby – my last baby.
I still vividly remember nursing him . . . my little snorting, grunting, squeaker. Snuggled up to me, tiny feet against my belly, filling his own. When he was full, he’d pull his head away with an audible POP!, purse his lips to the ceiling, then settle his tiny head on my breast and sleep, fulfilled, satisfied. My little one. So long ago, but I can still easily bring to mind the feel of the top of his head pressed against my upper arm, and my breathing in the warm, sweet, milky smell of his baby fine hair as we’d drift off to sleep. Breastfeeding mama-and-baby bliss.
His weaning marks the close of one of the most amazing parts of my life, so far: breastfeeding my children. The six years I have spent nursing were some times when I felt most needed, most helpful, most challenged, most useful, most utterly female.
To think of the years I spent nursing my two children and that I will likely never nurse another baby again nearly brings tears to my eyes. It’s not all sadness, those tears, not really . . . it’s a strange feeling. A bit of loss, wistfulness, pride, remembrance, transition. The transition was easier for me with my first, because when my daughter weaned herself at nearly four years old, my son was still nursing. But now that they are both done, now that I am no longer nourishing and healing and comforting my children with my breasts, my mothering role is changing.
Certainly, what it means for me to be a mother has been in continual flux for years – changing ever since my first baby was born – you really do grow along with your children. And the role of breastfeeding itself changes too – from the constant need for physical nourishment of an exclusively breastfed infant to much less frequent emotional comfort needs of a nursing toddler. Thankfully, Mother Nature makes those changes gradual: when babies and children self-wean, they do so in a way that lets you, your body, and your mind (and that of your children) more gracefully accept and adapt to the changes. But still, it’s not easy. Even though its been months since I’ve nursed, the real thought that I’m no longer a nursing mother – that I’ll no longer be able to use that valuable mothering tool of breastfeeding – for soothing, comforting, feeding, nourishing, healing – feels a bit uprooting.
(My two littles... nursing their "babies")
But breastfeeding was, and always has been, primarily about what my children needed. They no longer need my milk; they’ve both transitioned out of their baby stage. And thus, I’ve been transitioning myself out of my baby-nurturing stage.
I’ve been putting out some new mothering roots, trying out new tools, and am feeling excited to continue venturing into this next stage of independence with both of my children. I will always treasure – and be eternally grateful for – those years of breastfeeding that I was blessed and lucky to be able to share with my children.
I watch them now – nursing their own “babies” – and I hope that their current belief and understanding of breastfeeding as normal, natural, nurturing, and wonderful stays with them through their lives; that they will have the privilege and good fortune to breastfeed (or support their partner in breastfeeding) their own children in the future.
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This was cross-posted at Natural Parents Network - please take a moment to visit!