They are with you, yet they belong not to you.
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Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They come through you, but not from you.
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may house their bodies, but not souls.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
~Khalil Gilbran
My children are growing up. We all know this happens, is going to happen – even when we are pregnant, we start thinking, planning: will they be astronauts, concert pianists, writers, maybe win the Nobel Peace Prize? We wonder where they’ll go to college, maybe even play the game of what that will feel like – that far-off so-called “empty nest” feeling our parents experienced when we “grew up”; maybe feel that sinking feeling in the pit of our stomachs – but quickly we can brush it away, as we bring baby to the breast, and settle back in to shared sleep. All is right with the world when your tiny infant is asleep on your chest.
When they’re babies, we have so much vested in their day-to-day care: breastfeeding, diaper changing, clothing, sleeping, playing. As they get a bit older, we start to offer some of that care to others around us – extended family, close friends, perhaps a nanny or daycare providers. Still, they return to us, completely ours, tiny, dependent. Where they go, what they do, even how their own messages are interpreted – is up to us.
It is around the three year mark where I started to really realize that my children… weren’t really mine. Of course, they are always a part of me – they forever are entwined with my DNA, my memories, and our physical connection, where they grew in my womb, is for all time etched into their little tummies. But they are only mine now because I want them… and they want me.
But sometimes, they don’t. Sometimes, they push away from me. They relish in their freedom – swinging, running, playing… hitting, back-talking. They too, are realizing they aren’t mine; that they are their own. They can choose their clothing – and put it on their own bodies. They can walk out the door and down the block – and come back. They can choose which book they want to read – and read it. They can realize they are hungry – and make themselves food. They can picture a grand Lego structure in their minds – and build it… while I simply watch. They can choose to be angry – and how they want to express that. My son, he knows how to whistle. My daughter, she knows how to read music and play the piano with both hands. I sit back, amazed, yet observing – Montessori-style – at these children who are so self-directed, strong-willed… and entirely themselves. They know who they are while I’m left to I wonder where they came from; where they are going; what their purpose is, and will be. I feel them pushing away from me. Sometimes I feel myself pulling them back. I want to pull back harder, but... I know I can’t; I shouldn’t. So I observe, and offer assistance when requested.
I remember when I used to be able to pick them up, swaddle them, nurse them, soothe their crying with the simplest things: milk, motion, singing. I can’t do that anymore. Their needs are bigger, the solutions more complicated, the problems more difficult: a friend said something that hurt feelings, a worry over when we will die – or when they will die, concern that we have more than others and why is that, thoughts about disease and hunger and pollution, consideration about what they’ll be as adults, about WHY we – their parents – do what we do, or have done what we’ve done as adults, wondering exactly how and when and why babies are made. My answers to their questions are necessarily more intricate and complex now than they ever were… and I am starting to realize that my answers aren’t always enough. My experience isn’t necessarily the best example. Their teachers help answer questions, as does the internet, and books, and… they are growing up.
At night, my children still ask for me to lie with them. They snuggle in – one on each side of me – like little puppies. Baby shuttles docking with the Mothership. I feel like they recharge at that time – lights off, no pressure. We do a lot of talking there in the dark, along with cuddling, resting, relaxing back into familiar baby-mama mode that some days I miss so much. I treasure the moments they choose to return to me – ask to play, request my help on a project, want me to snuggle them to sleep. My children are growing up, and I with them. It’s an amazing journey – one for which I don’t always feel adequately prepared – but for which I’m so glad I signed on.
Cesarean Birth: Choose Your Words Carefully
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Birth is the sudden opening of a window, through which you look out upon a stupendous prospect. For what has happened? A miracle. You have exchanged nothing for the possibility of everything.
~William MacNeile Dixon
I’ve had two cesarean sections. I’m part of the growing minority of women in the United States who had a surgical birth. At last count, the rate of c-sections to vaginal births was about 1 out of every three. In some states, like my own fair state of New Jersey, the c-section rate is just a hair shy of 40% (as of 2009; the last year for which I was able to find concrete records).
I also happen to be part of the other minority group – “crunchy parents”. It presents a conundrum for me. How do I advocate for natural things – like birth – when I’m the recipient of two cesarean sections, without devaluing my own births, nor alienating my cesarean-receiving sisters, nor eschewing my crunchy ideals? It’s a thin line to walk. And it isn’t always straight as there are so many variables when it comes to birth.
Here’s the truth. The increase in cesarean sections is alarming. Cesarean sections present dangers for mothers and babies that just aren’t there in natural births. Advocacy for natural birth needs to continue. Work needs to carry on to help women feel empowered in their decision-making surrounding their own births, to increase the number of doulas and midwives available to assist women in birth, and to make home-birthing a safe and legal option for women.
Within advocacy comes support; and the cause of my writing today. We need to be SUPPORTING women – not tearing them down. Too often, I fear that advocacy in natural birth trends towards guilt, shame, and anger. I’ve read things written about mothers who’ve given birth via cesarean section that make me cringe; that make me SO ANGRY. Women who have had c-sections shouldn’t feel the need to addendum their birth story with excuses, or explanations for their birth. Never should a woman be made to feel shamed, or at fault for how her birth culminated. A birth is a birth is a birth. At the end, every mother who has given birth has the shared experience of growing a birthing her baby. There’s shouldn’t be a dividing line, based on HOW you’ve given birth.
Natural birth is the most likely way to encourage a positive outcome for both mom and baby. There are ways to teach about natural birth and its benefits to both mother and baby, without alienating the very people natural birth will help. There are things you can do to educate and encourage and choices to be made which can increase likelihood of a natural birth outcome. But, it’s important to keep in mind, at it’s core, birth is unpredictable and specifically un-plan-able. The variables are myriad: The ways a woman reacts to pain, fear, anticipation; The support she has through pregnancy and in labor; Health conditions she may have – physical and mental and emotional; Past experiences she’s had – all play a role in how birth plays out.
It every case, birth is one of the most precious, amazing, challenging, awesome, and MEMORABLE times in a woman’s life. Natural birth advocacy should always be about helping and lifting up women, not humiliation. Empowering women, not disenfranchising. Above all, supporting women, no matter what choices are made, what direction birth takes, what the outcome is.
So to that end, here’s what I thought I’d do. I’ve prepared a list of things you SHOULDN’T say to (or about) a mother who’s given birth via cesarean section. These are things which I’ve either heard personally, anecdotally, or seen written. But because I don’t want to dwell on the negative, I’ve also compiled a list of things you SHOULD say to a c-section mom (or one who’s about have one).
Without further ado...
Things you SHOULDN’T say to a mother who’s given birth via cesarean section:
1) “Your C-section wasn’t technically a birth; it was a surgery.”
Yes, cesarean is a major surgery. But a cesarean section is ALSO a method of giving birth. By virtue of the definition of birth:
(From Merriam-Webster)
birth. noun.
1 a: the emergence of a new individual from the body of its parent (check!)
birth. verb.
1 a: to bring forth (check!)
2 b: to give birth to (check!)
birth. adjective.
1 a: biological (check!)
It ALSO is birth by virtue of the fact that mothers celebrate their children’s birth days, not their surgery days. A mother who has given birth via cesarean has as much right to birth as her vaginally-birthing sisters. Saying - or even suggesting - that a cesarean section isn't a birth not only makes you sound ridiculous, it's just plain hurtful, so please, PLEASE don’t do it.
2) “Your baby was ripped/torn/cut/pulled/forced out of you - before she was ready.”
We don’t always know what prompts labor, and we don’t always have control over the way our birth progresses. Sometimes, babies come before they are ready. Sometimes, signals point to babies needing help moving earthside. Sometimes, that help is a surgical birth. Regardless, no one needs to be reminded in such a callous way that they were sliced into, nor should any woman have to face the implication or suggestion that was in some way her fault. The vast majority of pregnant mothers do everything they can to ensure a safe birth for their baby. Their decisions are typically based on the knowledge they have at the time. There’s no room for inflammatory hyperbole.
As an aside, if a mother wants to talk to YOU about her feelings that her baby may have arrived before he was ready, or that her birth felt less than consensual or not as calm as she would have wished; please listen. Honor her feelings. There are unfortunately cases of women who aren’t treated well in birth and whose wishes aren’t respected. But even in those cases, exaggerating the negative isn’t helpful.
3) “Be happy; at least you have a healthy baby.”
I understand when this is said, it’s intended to be comforting. But really, saying this is a denial of feelings. No mother who is mourning the loss of her birth-as-she-planned-it wants to be brushed off. And every mother is grateful their child is healthy. Having a cesarean is typically NOT a planned event, and even when it is, it’s not what most women choose (in spite of what the media likes to portray – women as “insisting” on elective cesareans for “convenience” reasons). Disappointment or concerns over birth are valid! Listen, reassure, comfort; don't brush aside feelings.
4) “If you’d done (or didn’t do) x, y, or z, you could have birthed your baby vaginally.”
Look, unless you are the attending midwife or doctor, you JUST CAN’T KNOW whether X, Y, or Z would have resulted in a different outcome. Even if you WERE the attending midwife or doctor, you can’t change NOW what has already happened, so keep it to yourself.
In birth advocacy there is certainly a time and a place for analyzing your birth story, for thinking over what you wish had gone another way, what you’d like to try differently, what you want to do the next time, or even what you wished you’d tried. There needs to be time for grieving and for accepting and healing. But that’s for YOUR OWN birth. It’s not your right to analyze anyone else’s birth for them. Ever.
Things you SHOULD say to a mother who’s given birth via cesarean section:
1) “Good job, mama.”
Just that. No matter what transpired, no matter how the birth progressed, no matter how far "off birth plan" things went, a new baby was born to a pregnant mama, and that mama deserves a pat on the back. End of story. If that mama wants to talk about her birth, let her do so. Support her. Be there for her. Without judgment.
2) “How can I help you?”
Cesarean births present unique challenges to mothers and babies. It can be difficult to walk in the first few days post partum. Holding baby, changing your own position, breastfeeding, regular self-care, all can be more challenging after the stress of birth AND a major abdominal surgery. Many doctors advise weeks post-partum without resuming regular activities – like climbing stairs, lifting anything other than the baby, or driving.
Personally, even though I felt my recoveries were quick and relatively easy, there were certain physical challenges that were just a drag. I couldn’t do laundry, I couldn’t comfortably make it upstairs to my bedroom, I couldn’t move baby to where I wanted her to be when I wanted her to be there. Having someone there (husband, doula, friend) to pick up around the house, entertain siblings, cook meals, change diapers/clothes, can make all the difference in the world!
3) “If you need to talk, I’m here to listen.”
Every mother likes to talk about her birth story; it’s a defining moment in life. Some stories are joyful and easy, some are difficult, trying, tearful. Each emotion is real, valid, and needs to be addressed, in order to heal and move on. I’d say this is particularly true for a mother who planned her birth to be natural, who felt like she’d dotted all the i’s and crossed all the t’s, but whose birth didn’t turn out the way she’d hoped. When you’ve done “everything right” and things don’t go as planned, a shoulder to cry on, a non-judgmental ear to listen is so very important.
- - - - -
The truth is, current birth climate in the US is a challenge. Birth in the media is still most often depicted as scary, icky, and unnatural. Misinformation and assumptions about the benefits/dangers of natural and/or homebirth birth versus hospital and/or surgical birth are rampant, and the number of cesarean sections is still growing. Advocating for natural birth is necessary; I want my own children to be able to make empowering choices about the direction of their/partner’s future births (if they so choose); I want them to have even better experiences with birth than I did. But to get there, we need positive change. Commentary on what a mom did “wrong” in birth isn’t useful, it isn’t helpful, it isn’t advocacy. It’s hurtful, it’s shameful. The last thing we need in this world is more judgment. You want to see change in the birthing world? It doesn’t come from negativity folks; it doesn’t come from divisiveness. It comes from unity, from sharing our stories, understanding others’ points of view, using your experiences to educate, accepting differences of opinion and experience, listening, empathizing, and learning from one another. Every birthing mother has the right to feel good about her birth; it’s an amazing moment in time; whether it occurred in the birthing tub in your own home, or under the bright lights of the OR.
Words are powerful. Choose them carefully.
Inspiring Breastfeeding Quotes
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Breastfeeding my two children over six years was one of the most rewarding parts of my mothering adventure. I’ll always be glad I went for it, was successful, and stuck with it. Whether you’re thinking of breastfeeding, or have breastfed for a few days, weeks, months, or years, you know that nourishing your baby at your breast is natural, healthy, and offers benefits for both baby AND mom. It’s not always easy to get started, or keep going, but the advantages are great. If you’re having trouble and need a little encouragement, or just a pat-on-the-back-reminder of why you’re doing what you’re doing, I’ve compiled are a few joyful breastfeeding quotes to keep you going.
Here’s to you meeting your own breastfeeding goals - whatever they may be. Go, mama! You can do it!
The natural power of breastfeeding is one of the greatest wonders of the world. It is about real love. It is about caring and celebrating the wondrous joy of nurturing a new life. It is about enjoying being a woman.
~ Anwar Fazal
Breastfeeding is a mother's gift to herself, her baby and the earth.
~ Pamela K. Wiggins
Breastmilk satisfies.
~Ohio Department of Health
She doesn’t need to count how often she feeds the baby any more than she counts how often she kisses the baby.
~ Babette Francis (Journal of Tropical Pediatrics & Environmental Child Health)
The newborn baby has only three demands. They are: warmth in the arms of its mother, food from her breasts, and security in the knowledge of her presence. Breastfeeding satisfies all three.
~ Dr. Grantly Dick-Read
Breastfeeding a baby – what could be more natural?
~ LLL; The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding confers significant short and long-term health benefits for both the mother and her infant, which go beyond the period of breastfeeding itself.
~ National Health Service of Great Britain
Nursing does not diminish the beauty of a woman's breasts; it enhances their charm by making them look lived in and happy.
~ Robert A. Heinlein
Breastfeeding is more than just a method of feeding. It is a lifestyle choice.
~ Dr. William Sears
While breastfeeding may not seem the right choice for every parent, it is the best choice for every baby.
~ Amy Spangler
Mother's milk, time-tested for millions of years, is the best nutrient for babies because it is nature's perfect food.
~ Robert S. Mendelsohn
When she first felt her son's groping mouth attach itself to her breast, a wave of sweet vibration thrilled deep inside and radiated to all parts of her body; it was similar to love, but it went beyond a lover's caress, it brought a great calm happiness, a great happy calm.
~ Milan Kundera
My opinion is that anybody offended by breastfeeding is staring too hard.
~ David Allen
Countless women have regained trust in their bodies through nursing their children, even if they weren't sure at first that they could do it. It is an act of female power, and I think of it as feminism in its purest form.
~ Christine Northrup
The one thing that has evolved with humans, to nourish humans, is breast milk. It is the ideal evolutionary model for what nourishment should be. It is a remarkable fluid.
~ J. Bruce German, a food science professor at the University of California, Davis
Imagine that the world had created a new 'dream product' to feed and immunize everyone born on earth. Imagine also that it was available everywhere, required no storage or delivery, and helped mothers plan their families and reduce the risk of cancer. Then imagine that the world refused to use it.
~ Frank Oski
Babies were born to be breastfed!
~ U.S. Department of Health & Human Services
Breastfeeding is an unsentimental metaphor for how love works, in a way. You don’t decide how much and how deeply to love – you respond to the beloved, and give with joy exactly as much as they want.
~ Marni Jackson
With his small head pillowed against your breast and your milk warming his insides, your baby knows a special closeness to you. He is gaining a firm foundation in an important area of life – he is learning about love.
~ La Leche League pamphlet c.1956
In breastfeeding, the infant is cradled in the mother’s arms. Pleasure in sucking, the satisfaction of hunger, intimacy with the mother’s body, are united with his recognition of her face.
~ Selma Fraiberg
6 Reasons to Think Twice Before Circumcising Your Baby Boy
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1 – It’s his body.
Circumcision is a permanent alteration of the male body – it’s an amputation of foreskin, and it lasts for the rest of his life. Since circumcision isn’t a medically necessary or beneficial procedure, this choice about what his penis should look like (and how it should function!) should be left up to him.
2 – It’s not the norm anymore.
Depending on which region of the United States you live, it may be more common to find a child who is intact, than one who is circumcised. Recent statistics show the incidence of circumcision has declined from 56% in 2006 to 32.5% in 2009. The overall average rate of circumcision in the US, as reported in 2009, is 55%. In some states, like Nevada, circumcision rates are as low as 13%!
3 – Pediatric Organizations do not recommend routine infant circumcision.
The American Academy of Pediatrics' latest statement on circumcision reads: “data are not sufficient to recommend routine neonatal circumcision." The Canadian Pediatric Society states: “Circumcision of newborns should not be routinely performed.” The Australian College of Pediatrics' position statement indicates: "Neonatal male circumcision has no medical indication. It is a traumatic procedure performed without anaesthesia to remove a normal and healthy prepuce"
4 – Intact penises are easy to clean.
Contrary to what you might have heard, the intact penis is super-simple to care for. Rule #1 – Only Clean What Is Seen. Just like you’d wash a baby’s elbow or finger, wash your baby’s penis along with the rest of his body (mild soap, rinse, done!). There's no need to retract, no special creams, no need to clean differently than any other body part. As your son gets older, and the foreskin naturally separates from the glans, you can talk about more thorough cleaning, but as a baby & child, there’s no extra effort required at all.
5 – The penis is meant to have foreskin!
The foreskin is a beneficial part of the penis; it isn’t unnecessary or extra or a problem! It protects the glans from harm and damage, provides increased sensitivity, guards against infection, and provides lubrication during intercourse.
6 – Circumcision hurts.
The pain of circumcision can potentially interfere with newborn bonding, breastfeeding, and sleep. Even with anesthesia given during the procedure, there’s still a period of healing to be endured by your new baby. A week with a raw, open wound that is getting urinated and defecated on, stuck to diapers, slathered with Vaseline, and can become infected, on the most sensitive part of a boy’s body is likely something you’d want to keep your child from experiencing in his first days of life – particularly when it’s not a necessity! Baby's first days should be as peaceful and gentle as possible to ease his transition from inside your womb to outside.
If you’re researching before making a decision about circumcising your son, thank you (and your son will thank you, too). Here are a few resources which may help you make this important decision:
What Is Circumcision? http://codenamemama.com/2010/02/22/what-is-circumcision/
Answers to Your Questions About Your Young Son’s Intact Penis: http://www.nocirc.org/publish/pamphlet4.html
Whether or Not to Circumcise: http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/pregnancy-childbirth/whether-or-not-circumcise
Jewish Circumcision Resource Center: http://jewishcircumcision.org/
Functions of the Foreskin: Purposes of the Prepuce: http://www.drmomma.org/2009/09/functions-of-foreskin-purposes-of.html