Natural Parenting, Following Our Instincts, and Keeping Our Son Intact
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…Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.
~Robert Frost (from The Road Not Taken)
Parenting naturally means following your natural instincts when it comes to parenting. Over the years for us, parenting naturally has meant co-sleeping in a family bed, breastfeeding, delayed/selective vaccinations, baby led weaning, using gentle discipline, eating natural, organic, vegetarian foods, and following our childrens' lead when it comes to education. But more important than the whats in natural parenting is the whys: listening to what we know, what we feel, naturally about our children – following that innate urge we have to protect: to nurture them, to keep them safe, away from pain, out of harm’s reach. It is keeping our babies close to us, feeding them when they root, responding when they cry – realizing that even before they know how to speak they are communicating with us – and doing what we can to help them get comfortable again. This instinct is natural and primitive; keeping our babies safe keeps our human species alive.
But following our instincts, particularly in this time of super-access to information, can sometimes be difficult. Often we’re led to believe something we read or hear – even if it goes against what we might feel deep down inside. Maybe it’s because a doctor or our mother or a friend we trust said it; or it's something we read in a magazine or book or on a website we respect. It’s a challenging task to try to extract bits of the mass amounts of information available to us, balance it with our own feelings, beliefs, and understanding of the world, and then, take that mix and apply it to the sensitive, complex, and sometimes confusing realm of parenting; all without losing sight of the very important natural instincts and sense of rightness, justness, and goodness towards our children that we all develop when we become parents. Our own sense of protection, justice, and connection to our children can be lost in the noise of what everyone else says & thinks. We may come to feel that our instinctual reactions towards our children are less than necessary to care for them because it may fall outside of the cultural norms of the day (think things like: letting babies cry it out or sleep completely separately). Our instinct can be drowned out when we’re constantly told, “You’re doing it wrong”.
(Photographer: Kathy Phillips Source: Flickr)
This is a dangerous trend, because instinct is the key to raising comfortable, confident, secure, healthy children. Without it, our children can be at risk; at the very least, without following our instincts, we put our children at a disadvantage. As parents, we need to learn to tune more clearly into our own natural nurturing skills, and turn down the volume on everything else; to trust ourselves, to take the road less traveled, even when it’s difficult to do so…
When my son was born early, our natural parenting instinct kicked into full gear. Our baby was tiny. He needed protection. Against the policy of the hospital, we insisted he be put on my chest while the doctors were sewing up my birth incision. Against the urging of the nurses, we insisted that he not be separated from us for testing. When he developed severe jaundice, we insisted on a biliblanket instead of the traditional method of incubator light treatment, so that I could continue to keep him skin to skin and nursing around the clock, and could bring him home from the hospital earlier. We also insisted that he not be circumcised.
Why did we insist on leaving our son intact – a decision “less popular” in our area? Why did we choose to say “No” to the nurses and doctors in the hospital who asked (several times) if/when we’d be circumcising? Why did we choose not to circumcise even when people reminded us that he won’t “look like his daddy”, or regaled us with stories of people who had to have a circumcision later in life because of an infection, or scared us with concerns that it’s “hard to clean” (Which, its not; it’s actually very easy. See here.)?
Well, there are two answers.
1) The information-laden one, in which we read and studied and looked at all of the reasons why circumcision is not necessary:
- The American Academy of Pediatrics doesn’t recommend routine infant circumcision (in fact many health organizations around the world do not recommend circumcision as a routine procedure)
- The foreskin serves several vital purposes like immunological defense and sexual function (Dionna at Code Name Mama does an excellent job of detailing each of the functions the foreskin)
- Circumcision is a painful surgical procedure which brings with it (just like any surgery), the possibility of infection, blood loss, and even death
- Circumcision can negatively affect normal sleep patterns of the newborn, bonding of the newborn with his mother, and difficulties breastfeeding (due to the fact that many babies react to the intense pain by “shutting down” or going into a post-traumatic state of shock)
- Circumcision is not the norm in the rest of the world, and is fast becoming not the norm in the United States (in 2009 the circumcision rate in the United States was only around 33%).
And,
2) The instinctual one, in which we just did what felt right:
- We didn’t want to hurt our baby.
- Our newborn trusted us completely to protect him, nourish him, and keep him safe and healthy.
- Our baby was born perfect. He didn’t need elective cosmetic surgery.
- Our son's body belongs to him; it isn't ours to alter.
Circumcising him, which would have meant exposing him to severe pain and permanent alterations to the most sensitive part of his body (and in doing so taking away his right to control the look and function of his own body), would have violated his trust in us, and gone against our mama- & papa-bear instinct to protect him and keep him from harm. Above all else, even beyond the information reassuring us that it was the right decision, and even amidst the people telling us it would be a harder row to hoe, we listened most clearly to our instinct: protect our baby. I am grateful we chose that path, I hope that others will choose the same path as the tide of infant circumcision is changing and more children are kept intact because parents are listening to their instincts.
It isn't easy to listen to our instincts, and we don't always get it right. Sometimes we make choices based on the information we have at the time, and come to realize later, we wish we'd made a different choice. It happens in parenting, and in life, but I try not to dwell on things I wish I did differently as a parent. Instead, I strive to continually work on learning to trust myself to continue to make more right decisions than wrong ones when it comes to my children. When the noise of the information of the world gets loud, I am learning to lower the volume, and tune more clearly into what my instinct is telling me is right for my own children, and I try to walk that path, even if it is the more difficult one. I’m not talking about completely ignoring advice or facts or studies or opinions, or eschewing research or medical advice. I am saying that before we make important decisions affecting our children, particularly permanent ones, take that information in and measure it critically against the most important tool we have in our toolbox to care for our children – our instinct. No, it’s not always easy! But then, the things that are most difficult are usually the things most important; most worth doing.
Here’s to trusting your instincts, and taking the road less traveled.
For more information on infant circumcision please read:
Ten Reasons NOT to Circumcise Your Baby Boy
http://www.intactamerica.org/resources/decision
The Effects of Circumcision on Newborn Boys:
http://codenamemama.com/2010/06/10/circumcision-newborn/
Where is My Foreskin? The Case Against Circumcision
http://www.mothersagainstcirc.org/fleiss.html
A Case Against Circumcision:
http://www.owningpink.com/blogs/owning-pink/case-against-circumcision
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This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our Carnival coincides with the launch of Natural Parents Network, a community of parents and parents-to-be who practice or are interested in attachment parenting and natural family living. Join us at Natural Parents Network to be informed, empowered, and inspired!
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Stop by Natural Parents Network today to see excerpts from everyone's posts, and please visit a few to read more! Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants. Three of the participants below will instead be featured on Natural Parents Network throughout the month, so check back at NPN!
This list will be updated November 9 with all the carnival links. We've arranged it this month according to the categories of our NPN resource pages on "What Is Natural Parenting?"
Attachment/Responsive Parenting
Attachment/responsive parenting is generally considered to include the following (descriptions/lists are not exhaustive; please follow each link to learn more):
- PREPARE FOR PREGNANCY, BIRTH, AND PARENTING:
- FEED WITH LOVE AND RESPECT:
- RESPOND WITH SENSITIVITY:
- "Attachment Parenting Chose Us" — For a child who is born "sensitive," attachment parenting is more a way of life than a parenting "choice." Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares her experiences. (@CodeNameMama)
- "Parenting in the Present" — Acacia at Be Present Mama parents naturally by being fully present.
- "Parenting With Heart" — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment parents naturally because healthy attachments early in life help our little ones grow into healthy, functioning adults.
- USE NURTURING TOUCH:
- ENSURE SAFE SLEEP:
- "Sometimes I Wish We Coslept" — Sheila at A Gift Universe has started to add cosleeping into her sleep routines and has found frequently unspoken benefits. Watch for her post, which will be featured on Natural Parents Network on Tuesday, November 30. (@agiftuniverse)
- PROVIDE CONSISTENT AND LOVING CARE:
- PRACTICE GENTLE/POSITIVE DISCIPLINE:
- "Unconditional Parenting" — The philosophy of Alfie Kohn resonates with Erin at Multiple Musings, who does not want to parent (or teach) using rewards and punishment. (@ErinLittle)
- STRIVE FOR BALANCE IN PERSONAL AND FAMILY LIFE:
- "Supporting Natural Immunity" — If you have decided against the traditional vaccination schedule, Starr at Earth Mama has some helpful tips for strengthening your children's immune systems naturally.
- "Acceptance as a Key to Natural Parenting" — Because Mrs. Green at Little Green Blog values accepting and responding to her daughter's needs, she was able to unravel the mystery of her daughter's learning "challenges." (@myzerowaste)
- "Let Them Look" — Betsy at Honest 2 Betsy makes time to look at, to touch, and to drool on the pinecones.
- "Why I Love Unschooling" — Unschooling isn't just about learning for Darcel at The Mahogany Way — it is a way of life. (@MahoganyWayMama)
- "Is He Already Behind?"Ever worry that your baby or toddler is behind the curve? Danielle at born.in.japan will reassure you about the many ways your little one is learning — naturally — every day. Watch for her post, which will be featured on Natural Parents Network on Tuesday, November 16. (@borninjp)
- "How to Help Your Child through Natural Learning" — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now offers tips on how to understand and nurture your child's natural learning style. (@DebChitwood)
- "Natural Parenting — Lazy Parenting" — To Olivia at Write About Birth, natural parenting isn't about a fixed set of ideals, but about what is instinctual. (@writeaboutbirth)
- "I'm not the most crunchy, but I'm still au naturel" — Jessica at This is Worthwhile follows her gut and parents with respect, and that's what feels natural to her. (@tisworthwhile)
- "Because Natural comes Naturally" — Breastfeeding, babywearing, cosleeping — Bess at mommakesmilk does these things because they feel right. (@MumtoEve)
- "What Do You Mean 'Natural Parenting'?" — Luschka at Diary of a First Child fell into natural parenting by listening to her baby and her own instincts. (@lvano)
- "One Little Change at a Time" — Ashley at Domestic Chaos made one small change at a time until "natural parenting" wasn't a punchline, but a way of life. (@ashleympoland)
- "WHY Attachment Parenting?" — While they might take some work to put into practice, Momma Jorje at A Slightly Crunchy Momma finds that all of the tenets of attachment parenting fit her family.
- "Yours, Respectfully" — For Kellie at Our Mindful Life, natural parenting is about being respectful: to yourself, your children, and your surroundings.
- "The Natural Parenting Label" — Michelle at The Parent Vortex explains that natural parenting is a mindset, not a set of specific choices or a few fancy acronyms. (@TheParentVortex)
- "When Our Children Are Grown" — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children parents naturally, because she is building a firm foundation for her children.
- "What is Natural Parenting to a Witch Mom?" — Lily at Witch Mom has planned out what she wants for her son, from health to socialization to interactions with the natural world. (@lilyshahar)
- "Attachment Parenting and Our Family" — Semi-crunchy Mama at Adventures in Mommyhood takes us through the way the Baby Bs have transformed their family of four. (@crunchymamato2)
- "I'm a Mama...Naturally" — Andrea!!! at Ella-Bean & Co. didn't intend to parent naturally, but it happened by instinct.
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Welcome to the October Carnival of Natural Parenting: Staying Centered, Finding Balance
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how they stay centered and find balance. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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I’m a Libra. Which MEANS that I (my life) should look a bit like this:
(doesn’t she look so peaceful?)
Yet, more often, I (my life) actually look(s) a bit more like this:
(sure, he looks balanced now, but we all know what happens on the next page…)
Some things, I am: An attachment parent to two children. A wife. A writer. A web content manager. An artist. A vegetarian.
Some things, I do, and through these actions, become part of who I am: Swim lesson and school chauffer. A housekeeper. A booboo healer. A cook. A provider of spiritual guidance and daily reassurance. A finder of lost things. A practitioner and teacher of natural living. A mediator of arguments. A photographer. An inventor of games. A meal planner. A day planner. A life skills teacher. A middle-of-the-night glass of water getter and nightmare soother. A student of patience, discipline techniques, and tolerance for goofy behavior and misbehavior.
Mostly, I do and am, all of these things, on a daily basis; primarily because they are necessary for myself, and everyone involved in my immediate life, to be happy, productive, and healthy: The children need loved, cared for, taught, comforted, protected, chauffeured, and guided. The house needs cleaned. The meals need prepared. The clothes, washed. The paid work, worked.
But, I’m also a gardener, a blog writer, a book reader, a mountain hiker, a yoga practioner, a traveler, a movie watcher, an art maker. These things are soul fillers. Yet somehow, as important as they are, they don’t seem to find their way into my days as often or as routinely as I’d like; probably because the necessity of these things to everyone else’s livelihood is negligible. These things are just my things… they become filed away as non-necessities, and so, I can safely ignore them. At least, that’s how the practical side of my brain rationalizes it.
Right now, I’ve entered the busiest time of year for me. Our business surges in the 4th quarter; so my husband and I work crazy days and long nights. The children are back in school, in lessons, and friends. I find some of the things which typically take precedence, out of necessity – like keeping the house clean – fall somewhat by the wayside (hey, I keep the clothes clean, but don’t expect the laundry to be folded), and those things which don’t often make an appearance – like travel, art making, book reading – usually end up disappearing entirely the following January. And yet, the emotional side of my brain tells me perhaps I’d be better able to balance on the ball with all of those things in the air, if I’d allow more of those soul soothers to take precedence – precisely at the time when I most likely to push them aside. The more I get to refill my tank with non-necessities, the more likely I am to be able to tackle the daily necessary tasks.
So, for myself, I’m going to try this last part of the year to be more balanced; to incorporate more non-necessities in with my necessities. I’m aspiring towards being more of a Libra. Because the happier, more peacefeul, more balanced mama feels, the better of a mama I can be.
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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be updated October 12 with all the carnival links.)
Balance — Sheila at A Gift Universe has put her baby first — and has no regrets. (@agiftuniverse)
A Moment for Mama — Starr at Earth Mama has learned how to recharge on the run, so she doesn't miss a moment with her children.
Take a 30-Minute or 5-Minute Me-Break — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now discusses the merits of taking small daily breaks to maintain balance. (@DebChitwood)
Achieving Balance — In a guest post at the new Natural Parents Network, Heather explains how yoga has helped her find balance in her personal and family life. (@NatParNet)
A Stitch in (Quiet) Time Saves Momma’s Mind — Joni Rae at Tales of a Kitchen Witch Momma didn't realize she needed "me" time — until she got it and had no idea what to do with herself. (@kitchenwitch)
Attachment Parenting and Balance — Michelle at The Parent Vortex believes that the last item on the "attachment parenting" list is both the most important and the most overlooked. (@TheParentVortex)
Little Breaks Bring a Little Balance — Jen at Grow with Graces finds balance - some days! (@growwithgraces)
Finding Balance — Are you a Type A mama? Dionna at Code Name: Mama is, and she needs your help to find balance. (@CodeNameMama)
(high)Centered — Stefanie at Very, Very Fine has had a spa gift certificate sitting on her nightstand since last year, a symbol of her inability to take time for herself.
Taking Time for Me — Marita at Stuff With Thing takes refuge in the world of books, with her daughters immersed in reading beside her. (@leechbabe)
Writing as a parent: October Carnival of Natural Parenting — Lauren at Hobo Mama didn't let parenting put her passions on hold. (@Hobo_Mama)
The Dance of Balance — Balance isn't static. It is dynamic, it is a dance, it is about keeping in touch with you. Read this wonderful bit of wisdom from Seonaid at the Practical Dilettante. (@seonaid_lee)
Rest Hour - a Primer — Do you get 15 minutes to yourself each day? How about an hour?! Mrs. H. at Fleeting Moments shares her tips on how to incorporate a "rest hour" for adults and kids.
Separation Is Critical — Only through enforced separation with the end of her marriage did Jessica at This is Worthwhile realize she should have taken time apart all along. (@tisworthwhile)
Bread, Roses, and a Side of Guilt. — Betsy at Honest 2 Betsy isn't ashamed to admit that she enjoys a pint once in awhile, or that her daughter recreates it during pretend play.
The World from Within My Arms — Rachael at The Variegated Life finds balance despite her work and her husband's commitment to art through attachment parenting. (@RachaelNevins)
Balancing the Teeter-Totter — Rebecca is rediscovering balance by exploring her interests and passions in several different categories. She shares in this guest post at The Connected Mom. (@theconnectedmom)
Balancing this Life — Danielle at born.in.japan is slowly learning the little tricks that make her family life more balanced. (@borninjp)
Uninterrupted Parenting — Amy at Innate Wholeness has learned that she does not need to interrupt parenting in order to find balance.
Knitting for My Family — Knitting is more than just a hobby for Kellie at Our Mindful Life, it is her creative and mental outlet, it has blessed her with friendships she might not otherwise have had, and it provides her with much-needed balance.
Taking the Time — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker has all the time she needs, now her girls are just a bit older.
Please, Teach Me How — Amy at Anktangle needs your help: please share how you find time for yourself, because she is struggling. (@anktangle)
A Pendulum Swings Both Ways — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment found herself snapping with too little time for herself, and then veered toward too much.
Finding Balance Amidst Change — It took a season of big changes and added responsibility, but Melodie of Breastfeeding Moms Unite! now feels more balanced and organized as a mama than ever before. (@bfmom)
At Home with Three Young Children: The Search for Balance, Staying Sane — With three young kids, Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings knows parents sometimes have to adjust their expectations of how much downtime they can reasonably have. (@sunfrog)
Attachment Parenting? And finding some "Me Time" — As a mother who works full time, Momma Jorje wants "me" time that includes her daughter.
A Balancing Act — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes has concrete ways to help keep centered with a little one and a new baby on the way, from exercise to early bedtimes to asking for help. (@sheryljesin)
Aspiring Towards Libra — Are your soul-filling activities the first to be pushed aside when life gets hectic? Kelly of KellyNaturally.com aspires to make time for those "non-necessities" this year. (@kellynaturally)
SARKisms for Sanity — Erica at ChildOrganics has found renewed inspiration to take baths and laugh often from a book she had on the shelf. (@childorganics)
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Welcome to the June Carnival of Natural Parenting: Outdoor fun
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared their stories and tips for playing outside with kids. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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I am happiest in nature. Whether barefooted in our garden, or hiking up a wooded trail. The best place for me is outside, surrounded by my family. As a child, my most fond memories are of being outside: climbing trees, exploring, gardening, waiting for the big rainfalls that would flood our backyard and turn it into an amazing imaginary rain forest through which my sisters and I could paddle our pool floats. Now that I’m nearly 6 years into being a parent, hardly a day goes by where we’re not outside. Even on the most inclement days, we often find ways to spend a few moments with nature. There’s something about being close to the earth, the plants, the trees, which recharges your energy. Nature connects you, in a world where people, so close in proximity, can be so disconnected from each other and the world. I want my children to be one with the planet – to feel energy that we all share. I want them to love being outside as much as I do. The best way to do this, quite simply, is getting outside as much as we can.
Right now, we live in a small condo in New Jersey, without much land to ourselves. Sometimes I feel sad about this, and yearn for a big backyard – for the acres of woods, and clean streams and lakes we had in Maine, where my daughter was born. In our current space, we have a small front flower garden and an enclosed back yard – both of which we’ve filled with flowers, plants, and as of this year, tomatoes & strawberries too! I know that we are fortunate to have our backyard right up against a bit of woods where we routinely see deer, squirrels, and other wildlife. When I tend to the plants and flowers in my little garden, with my children playing around me, it is easier to come to terms with the realization that the best place I am, we are, is where we are – right now. I realize that there is no sense in feeling sadness, when there’s so much to be grateful for. So, for today, we treasure being in, around, and enjoying the nature we DO have access to; realizing that many people live in places without such nearby access to wildlife.
I’d love to share a photo story of a typical after-school afternoon around our place doing our favorite things – outdoors:
My son, filling the birdbath – one of his favorite outdoor tasks!
My daughter, watering the annuals out front (which she helped to plant).
My son, lovingly watering the tomato (he talks to her while he waters).
Heading out to the woods – feeling the soft, long grasses.
Stopping to taste the wild honeysuckle!
My daughter, finding (and later chasing) a ladybug!
My daughter climbing a very large, almost prehistoric-looking vine!
My son, hanging from a neighborhood tree.
In all, it was a lovely day. One of many ahead as the weather gets more and more lovely, and we spend much of our waking hours outside. I truly hope that by spending time outdoors playing and working, my children will take with them as they grow, a love and respect for nature and all she has to share with us!
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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants: