[Teaching children] the fundamental principles of a moral life is important whether there is a god or not, but especially if not. If this is all there is, and if there is no one out there keeping score, then parenthood is elevated to transcendency.

~Michael Shermer, PhD

I try to reassure my children - regardless of the existence of the unknown - what is most important in life is what they do NOW - while they're HERE, living in the present. And, if the unreal becomes real, there will be nothing to worry about when they've acted with love and compassion throughout their lives.

I am okay with not knowing.

I encourage my children to act and react with kindness and empathy to the people and animals around them; to love the earth and tread lightly on it. I try every day to be a bit better than I was the day before, to act always from love (and hope they follow my lead). I help them to have presence; to be present. I want them to feel comfortable with a goal in life of improving their surroundings, for themselves and others with whom they share the world so that when leave this life, they can feel confident in knowing they've left it better than they arrived in it.

And I want them to do these things --- only because they are the right things to do. Not to please me or anyone else. Not because of promised or hoped for reward. But simply because acting from love - doing and being these things - empathetic, improving, kind - are the right things to do. And when you do right, it feels right, inside. I want them to trust that feeling of rightness that comes from acting out of love - it comes from inside, not out.

Regardless of belief, shouldn't we all inspire our children to keep living and improving in their present moment? Because the rest - the past we can't change and the future we don't know - it is all beyond our control.

We can only TRULY know what we can do NOW. And we can do so much.

Unknowing - it isn't frightening; it's amazing. Because we can HAVE peace with presence. Heaven on earth.

I often turn to inspirational quotes when I need a little lift in my day, or a gentle reminder of why I am on the parenting path I am. I hope these few help you along on your gentle parenting journey as well...

Peace to you.

~~~~~~~~~~

To successfully share mindfulness with children, you must first practice it yourself. Your presence, your calm, and your peace are the biggest gifts you can offer to young people.

~Thich Nhat Hahn; Planting Seeds - Practicing Mindfulness with Children

One generation of fully deeply loving parents would change the brain of the next generation, and with that, the world.

~Charles Raison

The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.

~Peggy O'Mara

There is a universal truth I have found in my work. Everybody longs to be loved. And the greatest thing we can do is let somebody know that they are loved and capable of loving.

~Fred Rogers

The person who sends out positive thoughts activates the world around him positively and draws back to himself positive results.

~Norman Vincent Peale; The Power of Positive Thinking

We don't yet know what the world might be like if children were to grow up without being subjected to humiliation; if parents would respect them and take them seriously as people.

~Alice Miller

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

~Desiderata

Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I've got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.

~George Bernard Shaw

Through violence, you may solve one problem, but you sow the seeds for another.

~His Holiness the Dalai Lama

My mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life.

~John Lennon

Where there is shouting, there is no true knowledge.

~Leonardo da Vinci

Mother and baby are at first strangers to each other, but the mother, by affirming her baby's life with herself, establishes a joined entity in which each becomes a part of the other.

~James Kimmel, Ph.D.

If you light a lamp for somebody, it will also brighten your own path.

~Buddha

Fully and completely accept our kids - accept them as they are now, not just when they are doing what we want them to do.

~Kelly Matzen

Conflict is inevitable - violence is not.

~Elizabeth Loescher

When we adults think of children, there is a simple truth that we ignore: childhood is not preparation for life; childhood is life. A child isn't getting ready to live; a child is living.

~John A Taylor, Notes on an Unhurried Journey

I've so enjoyed the experience of writing poetry over the last five weeks; it's hard to believe the month of April has gone already! This week brought so many experiences and changes to our lives - overwhelming at times, and yet, I still found the time to sit and write; I think that says something good about poetry. Having not written poetry before, I found it challenging and frustrating, and yet - satisfying in its simplicity, and so I hope to continue - even without the gentle push of a weekly goal. Thank you Lauren for hosting, and thank you - anyone - for reading along.

This week's poetry theme was Enjoy. As there is nothing I so enjoy as time outdoors with my children, it seemed only natural that experience would inspire my final week's poem.

Gardening  

Afternoon Spring sun warms our shoulders as we crouch, hunched over our hardened-off sprouts.

Searching for the heartiest amidst curved shoots, wilted leaves; small fingers examining each stem, you are engrossed.

A swallow - darting,  just inches from the sun-warmed top of your head; you are undeterred.

This one looks strong.

And I agree. I haven't taught you this; selection is innate.

Each one you gently separate, place, settle down into fertile soil.

Dirt in your hair, fingernails, in the scrapes on your knees.

And wonder in your eyes - perhaps imagining a future filled with fruit and vegetables.    

Until - suddenly - concern crosses your countenance, interrupting your calm:  

The water is knocking him over.

It's okay, I say, Time will make him stronger.

You nod, returning to your work.

The swallow darts again, and we smile.

Today is National Spank Out Day!

What does that mean? It's a day devoted to NOT using physical punishment with your kids. Now, not spanking doesn't mean not disciplining. But what can you do instead of spanking, especially if you have spanked in the past? Some ideas on how to discipline gently:

1) Breathe, stop a moment, focus on yourself before responding to your child. Think about the message you're about to give. Will it help your child? Will it come out in a way you'll feel good about later? Say what you want to say in a way that YOU would want to hear it.

2) Give a hug or a gentle touch; or just get down on the floor with your child - being at the same level can be calming & give you perspective.  We adults can look really big - and scary - when we're standing up.

3) Acknowledge big feelings: "I understand you are VERY frustrated right now". And your own, too: "I'm feeling angry too". Empathize with the feelings, and demonstrate how to move through them gently, without force. You are your child's first and best teacher. How would you WANT your child to act when they are angry? Act that way.

4) Offer a choice, instead of an ultimatum: "Do you want to put your toys away yourself, or would you like some help?" Choice is empowering and motivating.

5) Distract & redirect. Get everyone out the door for a walk, take a bath, make cookies. You don't need to be in "behavior correction" mode all the time. Give yourself and your child a break.  When you're back to feeling good, being connected, then you can talk about the behavior that happened earlier in the day.

6) Fake it. Gentle discipline and mindful parenting in the face of a temper tantrum can be really REALLY hard; but it's very worthwhile. But, sometimes you have to fake it to make it. Pretend the "best parent in the world" is watching; what would you like them to see? Do that. The way you feel afterwards - knowing you were just a superhero in the face of a really difficult situation - will give you the power to do it again next time, without having to pretend.

7) Forgive. Be gentle with yourself, as you'd like to be with your child. You won't always "get it right"; but you're trying - and your child will see that. Forgive yourself, and move on. Next time, you'll do better.

I hope you'll use today to try an alternative to spanking. Keep in mind that whatever lesson you want to teach can be more effectively communicated when you are BOTH calm & connected. Cool off, calm down - you'll be more creative and your child will be more responsive.  Connection is what good relationships is all about. When you connect with your child, helping correct behaviors will be so much easier.  You can do this!

Peace to you.

Parenting is like finally getting big enough to be the boss of the playground. Only, no one can agree on which game to play, and someone always ends up with a scraped knee or the wind knocked out of them. And when it's time to run home - tired, hungry, cold, at the end of the day - there's no one there to make the hot cocoa. Except you.

So you do it. Because you should. But maybe more because you want be certain the deposits going into those tiny memory banks in our charge - each day, each MOMENT of experiences - are mostly the good kind. Shiny coins. Memories they'll want to revisit years from now.

Because you know - even when it frightens you to think about it - children are ALWAYS WATCHING and ALWAYS LEARNING. No pressure, Mom, Dad. It's only childhood.

Childhood. In running through this redux of childhood we are gifted with as parents, I've made mistakes. I've wrestled endlessly with my own childhood. I've bitten back words nearly said to my kids; words that WERE said to me in childhood, that I've heard so loudly in my brain at essential trying parenting moments I have to pause and look around a moment to be sure I was actually successful in the biting. The sharp echoes of these words said - and unsaid are a reminder. To be aware. Mindful of not clobbering my children with my own childhood. They have the right to their own experience and don't need my hair shirt.

It's one of the most difficult parts of parenting -  shedding that rough sweater of negative childhood experience in order that you don't pass that insufferable legacy along to your kids.

That sweater. Most of the time, in spite of my best efforts to remove it, it somehow manages to remain tied to me. Sometimes tight - though I can work at the knot enough to loosen it, yet, I know it's still there… ready to resume scratching should I hit a snag in this parenting gig. An ever-present repugnant irritant. Yet, I don't always mind it. See… it pushes me onwards  - to keep working and evolving in an effort to free myself - so that my children don't end up lugging around a sweater of their own.

Again, no pressure.

But in all of my imperfection, misnavigation, and sweater-wrangling, my children still cling to me. Though they push me away stormily, run from me with fierce speed, throw their cruddiest words at me, they also run to me - gushing with love, forgiveness, joy, expectation. They follow me when I lead, believe me when I speak, even if I don't know just where I'm going. They move me on.

And then. They inadvertently demonstrate something I've been trying desperately to teach; they give me confidence that I'm sailing this ship rightly, and the knot around my middle loosens even more. I breathe and hear the clink of another shiny coin. A growing reflection in my child's eye of a good childhood. 

When our children can pass on a legacy of content, satisfaction, and joy to their own children - without struggling to find that within themselves - I'll know that I did okay.