I hate that there are people out there telling parents to do this! I remember watching an episode of some show, Helen Hunt and Paul Rieser, can't remember the name of it, where the they sat outside the babies room on the floor listening to their newborn scream itself to sleep. I was horrified that anyone would do this. NEver, never never did I do this with my daughter. SHe did learn to sleep on her own and quite well, because she felt safe and loved. She's 16 now and happy, well adjusted and certainly not spoiled or manipulative. I wore her in a wrap most of the time and if not I was right there when she cried for me. Crying out is how they communicate, and we do need to listen. AH! That's a bit of a rant. Sorry, I just totally agree with you!

My daughter Hannah screamed in the car. I mean, she SCREAMED. Relentlessly. The later in the day it was, the louder and longer she screamed. We had one really miserable drive home after Christmas dinner when she screamed for 45 minutes in the car, only stopping when we took her out. I tried everything I could to stop it, from sitting beside her to contorting myself to try to nurse her to covering her carseat with a blanket to block out any lights that might be keeping her awake. None of it worked.

After all of the time I spent listening to her cry when I had to drive somewhere with her, I knew I couldn't leave her to cry when I had a choice. No way, no how.

@Elaine - I remember that particular show; Mad About You. It always makes me sad how babies are often portrayed in the media. I wish responsive parenting was shown more often as the norm; not some hippie outlier-style. Responding to your baby is natural & normal.

@Amber - oh those days of carseat screaming. :( I feel you; both of mine HATED the car. It absolutely was one of the reasons that I felt so strongly about being as responsive to my children as I could WHEN I could.  

Hi Kelly! Great post... I think often parents are given the wrong idea about what babies need! There is no way to spoil a baby, and you're absolutely right that it's about building trust. More doctors should teach this! I know I certainly do.

However, I do want to add that some crying won't do permanent harm to your baby. As a postpartum doula, I often have parents call me when they're completely at the end of their rope - exhausted, overwhelmed zombies who are so concerned with their baby not crying that they have put their health (and their baby's and their own safety - sleep deprived driving!!) at risk. If you have a difficult baby, or find that the crying is just too much, or no one is getting any sleep at all, it is MUCH better for everyone if you let her cry a bit than let yourself get so overwrought that you can't be a good parent. (and as much I hate to admit it, I've seen babies sleep beautifully through the night after only a night or two of short crying bouts)

A happy, healthy mama is far more important than a baby who never cries. Each family needs to do what works best for them.

@Devon - I think there's a great difference between crying-it-out (controlled crying) when applied as a method to "sleep train" (which is the point of my post), and putting a baby down for a bit in a safe place, so you can regroup, calm yourself, and then go back in to care for your baby, renewed.

There are far too many variations on normal, too many differing personality types to say that babies will sleep better after being left to cry. For many babies, crying-it-out or "Ferberizing" will have the opposite effect - babies will ramp up their crying, become frantic, physically ill, and can't settle to sleep.

Parenting is a really challenging job. It requires that you step outside of yourself, and your comfort zones - all the time. I don't advocate putting responding to every whimper and peep your baby makes above all self-care. What I DO advocate is EMPATHY.  If you're ever unsure of what you're about to try with your child, put yourself in your baby's shoes. Is the path you're taking with your baby one you'd want taken with you (it's challenging, but try to  imagine yourself being immobile and non-verbal)? Does it honor your baby; would you feel your own concerns were being honored if YOU were the baby?

Babies cries are simply efforts at communication. Our job as parents is to honor what baby is trying to say. We don't always get it right, and we don't always have to FIX it (we CAN'T always fix it & that's okay).

But empathizing, offering our calming presence, honoring their cries, is never the wrong choice.

I also had a screaming infant, like Amber. My daughter had "colic" or at least that's what we called it, and she screamed day and night for the better part of 4.5 months. After that ended I remember my doctor (!) advising me about sleep training - and not interval training, but close the door see you in the morning training - and I was like, are you crazy? My baby just stopped crying and now you want me to do something that will make her cry more? Um, no thanks! Why doctors are now giving parenting tips is beyond me. Anyway, I haven't read the Time article (I'm sure it would infuriate me) but thank you for such a thoughtful well written rebuttal. Now if only a publication as big as Time would publish something like this.
-Dana

I am in total agreement with you, Kelly! I think we're just looking at it from opposite sides of the same picture. You see moms letting their babies cry because they think it's good for them, and that's all they hear, and I see moms who all they hear is "Don't let your baby cry" and they end up driving themselves crazy. I just like to temper any messages with a note of balance (while trying not to sound like those annoying people who comment on breastfeeding websites "but don't make moms bad if they can't do it") ;)

I agree with Devon.  After 10 months of 4x night feedings and sometimes cosleeping I was seriously losing it from sleep deprivation.  With my next two babes I had a plan and both slept through the night around 6 months, with only 1 feeding after 3 months.  Still my oldest has the most sleep issues, the other 2 are angels at nap/bed time.  Once good sleep is established you know that if the baby is crying they actually need you.  If any of them wakes up now, I go to them, of course.  Every mom finds their way and what works for them :) I need my sleep.  Sleep deprived me=cranky, yelling mommy, and I don't want to be a cranky mommy!

@b, just curious what was the plan exactlyt hat you implemented for the last two children that ended up sleeping so well? I am really interested!
thanks for your help

Alice,
This is what worked for me.  I quite successfully breastfed all my babies, but I have no sensation (I dont feel let down, I can not tell if I'm full or empty - I believe this is not the case for most ladies) so I felt extra unsure that my son was getting enough in his belly.  So...  (this is the part where I get nailed to the cross!!) after my milk is well established (3months or so) I will give them 4oz formula at night, as well as breastfeeding.  You can get formula without HFCS from the healthfood store and I even stumbled across a recipe on making your own formula somewhere.

This method hasn't affected my milk supply, the baby sleeps longer, and during the short initial cry out I am able to rationalize that the baby definitely has a full belly, is safe and warm, clean diaper, etc, and not feel quilty about letting them cry a bit.  Seriously, I don't think it was more than a half hour total strectched over 3 nights for my 9 month old, who I remember best.
This week (month!) she's teething so if she wakes up I go to her, because I know she needs me.

So to sum up, my 9 month old takes 2 stellar naps (2hours at least) during the day, goes to bed at 7:30 and wakes up sometime between 6:30 and 8.  She breastfeeds quite a bit (I don't keep track of how many minutes or I would tell you), and eats lunch and dinner, plus snacks (I make all her baby snacks and food), plus 4oz formula.  

Oh I also put the second 2 in their beds awake but sleepy.  That way they don't rely on me to soothe them to sleep every night.  My middle child is a thumb sucker, so it was extra easy for him, and he slept longer and earlier than either of the other two!

Best of luck to all moms trying to get sleep and have happy babies too!
B